Why I Left Seminary

Everyone is different. It’s an obvious observation but something I cannot seem to remember. I find myself in need of a constant reminder of this truth. I am not her. I am not him. I am me. My life will probably not look like anyone else's and that is okay. I have a confession to make. 

A little over a year ago I was a recent college graduate with zero direction. I had a degree that didn’t lead into any specialized field and I didn’t have a clue as to what I wanted to do with my life. I grew up in the church and was under the impression that God had a magnificent plan for my life, which was reinforced by all the bookmarks and charm bracelets with a Jeremiah 29:11 theme given to me over the years. I assumed that all of this meant that I was special. I was going to be something great and God was going to use me in huge ways. And yet, I didn’t know any specifics. Was I supposed to sell all my possessions and move to Africa? Was I going to be the next Beth Moore? Was I finally going to be discovered and be the next big hit on Christian radio? So many possibilities in my mind but none of them seemed to be panning out. So I did what I thought would be the next logical step. I went to seminary.

Seminary can be a wonderful thing. Many churches require their staff to have a theological education and for good reason. But seminary is not for everyone. It isn’t always necessary and at times can even be a hindrance. It’s a heavy workload and requires a lot of time and money. Like I said, it’s just not for everyone and it isn’t meant to be. I went to seminary because I didn’t know what step to take next. I’d heard all my life that God had big plans for me so why not go to seminary? I knew there was so much that I didn’t know and so much that I should. Seminary seemed like an obvious choice. So I went.

My first semester went great. I was learning so much and meeting a ton of other people who were also interested in learning more about God. But still, I had no direction. I dreaded the commonly asked Why are you here? question. The only answer I could provide was, “Why not?” It made sense at the time. I never doubted my decision. At the same time, all the learning was for the sake of making good grades. None of it was reaching my heart. I had no time for reflection. I rarely spent time in prayer. I was always surrounded by other seminarians. I honestly didn't know any unbelievers. I never left the seminary bubble. I knew there were things that needed to change, but I didn't know how and I didn't make it a priority. My priority was to find importance in being me. 

I spent my second semester in Italy, doing hands on work. Italy was a life changing experience and I will forever be grateful for having such an opportunity. I was with people. Normal, every day people with struggles. Sinners. People with hope. People without hope. It was refreshing. I came back to the United States a different person. And suddenly I was seeing my life in a whole new way.

I discovered that I am full of pride. But I was also full of fear. What would people think if I dropped out of seminary? But there were more troubling questions and I was afraid to even acknowledge them. What if God didn’t have a magnificent plan for my life? What if I’m not going to be something great? What if God doesn’t use me in huge ways? I felt like I couldn’t voice these thoughts or people would think I was having a crisis of faith or dealing with some huge sin in my life. And in truth, I was dealing with sin. I had gone to seminary in the first place in an effort to glorify myself. All those possibilities that I thought might be in my future were all ways to draw attention to myself, not to Christ.

I shamefully ignored the truth and pressed on into my third semester. But the questions didn’t go away. I knew that I wasn’t supposed to be in seminary. I knew that my idea of God’s plan was not God’s at all, but my own. God hasn’t called me to be something great. God has called me to be honest about who I am. And this is the truth about who I am: I am a mess. A sinner. A prideful heart. A liar. A fool. I am disobedient. I care way too much about what others think. I distance myself from other believers, afraid that if they knew how bad I truly was that they would distance themselves from me. I’d rather be lonely than have people pull away from me. I’m a girl who has dealt with depression, the kind that makes you contemplate killing yourself. I keep my struggles a secret. I pretend that I live a perfect life without any troubles. But it is all a façade. I’m a fake. These things are true of me apart from Christ. But in Christ I have hope. There is restoration, healing and forgiveness. Joy. 

Well, there it is. That’s me. The real me. I could no longer live a lie and have stepped away from seminary. I’ve decided to follow after truth and trust in where God has me, not some future plan that involves me being somebody important. I’m following after reality. I’m currently a twenty-four-year old girl working a minimum wage job in the service industry. In this world, I am an absolute nobody. Just normal. Average. And I am filled with the joy of knowing Christ as my Lord and Savior and content in following after God, wherever that leads me. I don't regret any of the time I spent in seminary. I believe God is sovereign in all things and has a purpose even in my year of seminary. I pray that He will use my stubbornness as a means of glorifying Himself. 

Several people have questioned my decision, asking me if I am "okay". I'm more than okay. And there will be people who will look down on me. But who cares? All that matters is that I follow after God. I'm not sorry if my honesty makes people feel uncomfortable. The truth isn't always pretty. Who I am is not pretty. That is the beauty of Christ. He did what I cannot do. He has brought me from death into life. God does have plans for our lives. And it is more magnificent than I could have ever imagined. He has made me a new creation! 

Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come! - 2 Corinthians 5:17