i've been listening to too much emo music

I think I'm tired of myself. I'm not certain, because I won't even let myself "go there." I know there is a lot of thoughts that I need to process and put down on paper, but I haven't done it. Just the thought of doing it exhausts me. Still, I carry the thoughts on with me through day after day. I know my load would be so much lighter if I would allow myself to think. Why am I so afraid of it?

I used to enjoy processing my thoughts. I wrote in a journal almost every day and just put it all out there. It was when I let myself go that I felt the most alive. This sounds insane, I know. I'm going to consider it a prelude to the real thinking that I need to do.

Maybe this weekend. Serious journal time.  Something is awry...must.solve.the.mystery...that is myself.

i'm in love with this song.

Arts & Crafts

So, IKEA has pretty much changed my life. My new favorite thing is to peruse the place and steal ideas. It was like getting to go to Disney World when we had trips to IKEA in Naples. AND, there is one near-ish to me in Ohio. I got to visit it yesterday and it was pretty much amazing. For one, it allowed me to believe that I was back in Naples for about an hour. For two, I bought some pretty awesome things. IKEA has super random fabric, which is totally my style. So I just made this:

Pretty cool if you ask me. It's numbers written out in script. And the whole project cost about twelve bucks. I don't know if you've priced home decor these days, especially large wall pieces, but stuff is expensive. 

Also, it turns out that arts & crafts are fun. And I really like the way my apartment is coming together. Too bad I'll be moving again in a few months. Oh well. I'll just have to turn my new place into a hipster as well. 

Do you have any DIY tips/ideas for home decor? 

Review: Permission to Speak Freely

There are so many things that people are afraid to speak out about, especially in the church. Anne Jackson, an avid blogger, asked the question, “What is one thing you feel you can’t say in church?” It turns out there are a lot of things that people feel they can’t say in church as she received hundreds of responses on her blog. In Permission to Speak Freely, Anne shares these confessions in the form of essays, poems, and art.

Permission to Speak Freely definitely isn’t what I would consider to be theologically moving. It is, however, honest. It begged me to explore my own thoughts and fears. As I unearthed a part of myself that I had strategically kept hidden, I felt as if a weight had been lifted off of me. I discovered that I wasn’t alone and that there was freedom   in knowing that truth. 

Many of us cringe at the thought of exposing ourselves, metaphorically naked, before the community of faith. I highly recommend Permission to Speak Freely to those who find themselves struggling through issues, fears, and doubts. You just might find that you aren’t so afraid after all. 

I received this book free from the publisher through the BookSneeze.com book review bloggers program. I was not required to write a positive review. The opinions I have expressed are my own. I am disclosing this in accordance with the Federal Trade Commission’s 16 CFR, Part 255 : “Guides Concerning the Use of Endorsements and Testimonials in Advertising.”

Why I Left Seminary

Everyone is different. It’s an obvious observation but something I cannot seem to remember. I find myself in need of a constant reminder of this truth. I am not her. I am not him. I am me. My life will probably not look like anyone else's and that is okay. I have a confession to make. 

A little over a year ago I was a recent college graduate with zero direction. I had a degree that didn’t lead into any specialized field and I didn’t have a clue as to what I wanted to do with my life. I grew up in the church and was under the impression that God had a magnificent plan for my life, which was reinforced by all the bookmarks and charm bracelets with a Jeremiah 29:11 theme given to me over the years. I assumed that all of this meant that I was special. I was going to be something great and God was going to use me in huge ways. And yet, I didn’t know any specifics. Was I supposed to sell all my possessions and move to Africa? Was I going to be the next Beth Moore? Was I finally going to be discovered and be the next big hit on Christian radio? So many possibilities in my mind but none of them seemed to be panning out. So I did what I thought would be the next logical step. I went to seminary.

Seminary can be a wonderful thing. Many churches require their staff to have a theological education and for good reason. But seminary is not for everyone. It isn’t always necessary and at times can even be a hindrance. It’s a heavy workload and requires a lot of time and money. Like I said, it’s just not for everyone and it isn’t meant to be. I went to seminary because I didn’t know what step to take next. I’d heard all my life that God had big plans for me so why not go to seminary? I knew there was so much that I didn’t know and so much that I should. Seminary seemed like an obvious choice. So I went.

My first semester went great. I was learning so much and meeting a ton of other people who were also interested in learning more about God. But still, I had no direction. I dreaded the commonly asked Why are you here? question. The only answer I could provide was, “Why not?” It made sense at the time. I never doubted my decision. At the same time, all the learning was for the sake of making good grades. None of it was reaching my heart. I had no time for reflection. I rarely spent time in prayer. I was always surrounded by other seminarians. I honestly didn't know any unbelievers. I never left the seminary bubble. I knew there were things that needed to change, but I didn't know how and I didn't make it a priority. My priority was to find importance in being me. 

I spent my second semester in Italy, doing hands on work. Italy was a life changing experience and I will forever be grateful for having such an opportunity. I was with people. Normal, every day people with struggles. Sinners. People with hope. People without hope. It was refreshing. I came back to the United States a different person. And suddenly I was seeing my life in a whole new way.

I discovered that I am full of pride. But I was also full of fear. What would people think if I dropped out of seminary? But there were more troubling questions and I was afraid to even acknowledge them. What if God didn’t have a magnificent plan for my life? What if I’m not going to be something great? What if God doesn’t use me in huge ways? I felt like I couldn’t voice these thoughts or people would think I was having a crisis of faith or dealing with some huge sin in my life. And in truth, I was dealing with sin. I had gone to seminary in the first place in an effort to glorify myself. All those possibilities that I thought might be in my future were all ways to draw attention to myself, not to Christ.

I shamefully ignored the truth and pressed on into my third semester. But the questions didn’t go away. I knew that I wasn’t supposed to be in seminary. I knew that my idea of God’s plan was not God’s at all, but my own. God hasn’t called me to be something great. God has called me to be honest about who I am. And this is the truth about who I am: I am a mess. A sinner. A prideful heart. A liar. A fool. I am disobedient. I care way too much about what others think. I distance myself from other believers, afraid that if they knew how bad I truly was that they would distance themselves from me. I’d rather be lonely than have people pull away from me. I’m a girl who has dealt with depression, the kind that makes you contemplate killing yourself. I keep my struggles a secret. I pretend that I live a perfect life without any troubles. But it is all a façade. I’m a fake. These things are true of me apart from Christ. But in Christ I have hope. There is restoration, healing and forgiveness. Joy. 

Well, there it is. That’s me. The real me. I could no longer live a lie and have stepped away from seminary. I’ve decided to follow after truth and trust in where God has me, not some future plan that involves me being somebody important. I’m following after reality. I’m currently a twenty-four-year old girl working a minimum wage job in the service industry. In this world, I am an absolute nobody. Just normal. Average. And I am filled with the joy of knowing Christ as my Lord and Savior and content in following after God, wherever that leads me. I don't regret any of the time I spent in seminary. I believe God is sovereign in all things and has a purpose even in my year of seminary. I pray that He will use my stubbornness as a means of glorifying Himself. 

Several people have questioned my decision, asking me if I am "okay". I'm more than okay. And there will be people who will look down on me. But who cares? All that matters is that I follow after God. I'm not sorry if my honesty makes people feel uncomfortable. The truth isn't always pretty. Who I am is not pretty. That is the beauty of Christ. He did what I cannot do. He has brought me from death into life. God does have plans for our lives. And it is more magnificent than I could have ever imagined. He has made me a new creation! 

Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come! - 2 Corinthians 5:17 

Questions & Answers

What am I currently doing? Procrastinating

What am I currently listening to? Greg Laswell

What am I currently drinking? The Mexico blend from Java Brewing Co.

What should I be doing? Homework for Disaster Relief and Community Development

What's on my mind? I have no idea what I'm going to do with this degree

What must I remember? All that matters is Christ is King

The end.

Long Overdue

I'm real sorry. I have totally abandoned this blog. I gave Tumblr a try, thinking it might be superior to Blogger. And don't get me wrong, Tumblr is a great idea and if enough people were to have accounts I would probably make the switch. But until then, I'm sticking with Blogger. So, I am back.

School started back for me today and I'm slightly overwhelmed. I just realized that I haven't been in a formal class for 9 months. This is the longest break from school I've had in my entire life. So sitting through three back to back classes was a little challenging today. And I'm betting that my 7am class tomorrow isn't going to be much easier.

It hasn't been easy getting back into the swing of things. I'm trying to focus on the new season of life I've entered and not dwell on the past one (though I want to hold on to those memories). I've had to remind myself several times that I am not stuck in this season forever. They come and go. I should try to enjoy it while it lasts so that I will have no regrets. I don't know where I am headed after Louisville, but my time here will be over before I know it. Life moves fast. I must make the most of my time here.

What's new in your life?